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Michael Cargill
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Q&A with British athlete Linford Christie
Posted by on 04/19/2012
Hello and g
ood evening. Sorry about the mess, but I dropped a steroid needle in this here haystack of shoelaces that I’ve been trying to untangle. No doubt the last time you saw me was when I was roaring down the racetrack at the Olympics. They were good times but I am much more snazzy and sophisticated when I run these days – a bit less ‘roidy and a bit more tidy. It’s out with the lycra shorts and in with some nice Marks and Spencer cardigans.
Dear Linford
My son will be starting secondary school soon and I want to know whether he should take his own lunch or have school dinners. What do you suggest?
A man should never let someone else handle his lunch, it’s uncouth. My lunchbox is practically part of me and I never let it out of my sight. If I have time in the morning, I will give it a good thrashing in the sink to shake off any crusty residue that has managed to build up during the night. Sometimes my wife will slip in a juicy bit of lettuce under the meat when I’m not looking, which always gives me a big shock when I put it in my mouth and take a big bite! Trust me, your son would never get that with school dinners. His lunchbox is worth its weight in gold.
Dear Linford
My hands are very sensitive to the cold and I often get chilblains just from popping out to the shops for a loaf of bread. What do you suggest?
Your best bet is to find somewhere warm to put them. Personally, I tend to stick my hands down my trousers when they get cold. You would surprised at just how much warm flesh there is down there for your fingers to latch onto. My hands have a life of their own and seem to have no problems finding the warmest nooks and crannies to settle into. Sometimes they even manage to knit themselves a nest!
Michael Cargill 
Was pleased to see his lunchbox got mentioned!
I have a SpongeBob lunchbox. And also, the best way to get rid of cold hands is to chop them off, at least in my experience.
😀
Yay for Spongebob!
I wonder what Gary does when his tentacles get cold…?
Gary doesn’t have tentacles, silly, that’s Squidward. SHEESH.
Doh! I meant antenna thingies.
Someone asked me if it’s okay to wear the same prom dress as someone wore last year. What do you think, Linford?
Hmmm, I would have to see the dress first.
Fancy meeting up for lunch? If I bring my own you could have some of it if you like.
It’s a date!
Is Linford sure that he’s less ‘roidy? Sounds like his brain might be on roids.
He always was a strange ‘un.
Linford is married – I missed the Hello special edition. Damn
It was a double-issue spread so his lunchbox could fit on the front cover.
Sometimes I put my lunch down my pants to warm that up. That’s sort of a parallel between both Q&A’s.
I use to work at a psychiatric hospital on the adolescent unit. Some of the kids would tell me that when they were in session with the psychiatrist he would put his hand beneath his waste band or maybe in his trousers while they were talking to him. haha! It was disturbing to me then and it disturbs me now. Whatever the reason… it’s gross. (You won’t catch any females doing this!)
“Sometimes my wife will slip in a juicy bit of lettuce under the meat when I am not looking”
Mahahahah. That’s what my misses does to me.